It's been awhile.....thoughts, so many thoughts.... there is a file I feel I have to face....not sure if I want to...not sure if I can......counting the days again...will it always be like this...so many changes since you've been gone......hard to put order to the thoughts....so random, so many.........
Today I found out a girl that was in my Girl Scout Troop, died a few weeks ago of a heroin overdose, they say that doesn't happen here, well it does, such a vibrant life, gone..... she was such a tom-boy and we had Mary Kay come in to do skin care and make-up...I can still see her turning around to show me, she looked beautiful and so grown up and so girlish and so excited and just happy...I hope she has found that again and more.
This gift we have...it is a gift and so much more......
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, March 4, 2011
Today
When my eyes opened this morning the first thing I felt was peaceful. So unexpected so not what I ever thought I might feel right now but here it was.....peaceful. It was different to go through the day looking back on that feeling and having it come back again when stopping to think about it and it would happen again. What a good feeling so taking that and enjoying it, really enjoying it, it's time to do some things that I have been avoiding. For today and right now I want to embrace this peacefulness. Tomorrow is another day.
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries'
I'll drink your sweet wine,
A million tomorrows will all pass away,
Err I forget all the joy that is mine,
Today..........
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries'
I'll drink your sweet wine,
A million tomorrows will all pass away,
Err I forget all the joy that is mine,
Today..........
Monday, February 28, 2011
Story Telling
February 28, 1975.....thirty-six years ago today we lost Grandpa, Mom's Dad- late the day before we got word from Roswell that it was not going to be much longer for him to be with us. The weather that night was not good, not good at all and Dad drove back from Roswell to pick me up to bring me to the hospital so I could tell him good-bye, at that time, being a sixteen year old, I didn't think about the consequences or the what ifs regarding the driving conditions, but there was Dad ready to take me with not a word or sign of irritation. I don't remember if we talked, I don't really remember the ride except for the turn on the 400 at Jamison, road what road? But we got to Roswell and I got to see my Grandpa for one last time. Those are the kind of things that a parent doesn't get awards for and I don't really know if I thanked him, numb was the feeling of that time but I can look back and see the example that Dad gave me on parenting. I do not mean to imply that he was a Saint, Dad was human, very human but he did the best he could for us and was there for us doing the simple things to try and make us happy or make it easier for us.
These next few weeks are not real happy times coming up to remember, today Grandpa and March 15th was when we buried Grandma. But glimmers of good things do shine through, like a phone call as we left the church letting us know we would be grandparents, Dad's surgery was March 2nd and his stroke was March 3rd. I was blessed enough to be able to tell my Grandpa, my Grandma and my Dad good-bye. Dad lost his parents in a car accident, they never knew most of their grandchildren they didn't get to finish raisng their family even. From what I think I know they were killed instantly in the accident and I know Dad was the one that got the phone call. I don't really know when they died because Dad didn't talk anout it. I think he didn't talk about it because the hurt was unbearable. He didn't really talk about Korea untill the boys joined the military and then he talked with them about it. I know I look at my husband and my children and I wish, I so wish that my Grandpa was here to meet them and I do tell him about my crew. I can only imagine how it felt for Dad to have that gaping hole but he treated Grandma and Grandpa Heinz like they were his parents, too.
I have snippets of information about Grandma and Grandpa Lucas and I'm hoping to get to know them better I have some of the stories of Dad's youth but I want more. In writing this I have gotten more snippets and I cherish these more than anyone can know.
I am also blessed in getting to share with others memories and experiences of their loved ones, I don't write this thinking that I am the only one to have experienced this loss but I have found in writing this it helps to clear my head and lighten my heart and open a path where my friends and family can share. This journey is one that we all are or will travel but don't share that easily and it helps me and I hope you to share this. We all have a story to tell and it is important that we take the time to tell it.
These next few weeks are not real happy times coming up to remember, today Grandpa and March 15th was when we buried Grandma. But glimmers of good things do shine through, like a phone call as we left the church letting us know we would be grandparents, Dad's surgery was March 2nd and his stroke was March 3rd. I was blessed enough to be able to tell my Grandpa, my Grandma and my Dad good-bye. Dad lost his parents in a car accident, they never knew most of their grandchildren they didn't get to finish raisng their family even. From what I think I know they were killed instantly in the accident and I know Dad was the one that got the phone call. I don't really know when they died because Dad didn't talk anout it. I think he didn't talk about it because the hurt was unbearable. He didn't really talk about Korea untill the boys joined the military and then he talked with them about it. I know I look at my husband and my children and I wish, I so wish that my Grandpa was here to meet them and I do tell him about my crew. I can only imagine how it felt for Dad to have that gaping hole but he treated Grandma and Grandpa Heinz like they were his parents, too.
I have snippets of information about Grandma and Grandpa Lucas and I'm hoping to get to know them better I have some of the stories of Dad's youth but I want more. In writing this I have gotten more snippets and I cherish these more than anyone can know.
I am also blessed in getting to share with others memories and experiences of their loved ones, I don't write this thinking that I am the only one to have experienced this loss but I have found in writing this it helps to clear my head and lighten my heart and open a path where my friends and family can share. This journey is one that we all are or will travel but don't share that easily and it helps me and I hope you to share this. We all have a story to tell and it is important that we take the time to tell it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
March 2nd
I'm on a countdown to March 2nd.....I keep looking at the calendar and thinking about the days that have been and what is to come. I am afraid that I am counting on something happening that will get me moving forward.........four more till the 2nd and what happens then? Been doing taxes for Dad's clients and coming across his writing, I would know his writing in a pile of papers and I love that it is so distinctive and then I think of Dad signing a paycheck of his and going to their bank and the bank not wanting to cash his check as they said it was not his signature....Mom always signed Dad's checks, Dad's expression had to be priceless.....anything or nothing triggers these memories and at times I can embrace them and at times they are over whelming but in either case I am afraid to lose them because if they go what happens next?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Bittersweet
1/1/11 this would have been Mom and Dad's 55th Wedding Anniversary today and Mom' s parents anniversary, too. Used to be I could have told you how many years for Gram and Grandpa, but the things that seem to slip out of my brain these days. Sarah turned 25 years old yesterday, my youngest is a quarter century, where has the time gone.
I got to finish 2010 sick in bed with a virus, down and out for two days and slowly getting back on my feet today, but laying in bed last night allowed me time to remember past New Years Eve's and my thoughts and memories are like the crumbs on the floor being swept into the dust pan, all jumbled together but all there.
I owe a number of family and friends updates or responses to a note or calls wanting to know how mom is doing and things are going for all of us, it's easier to keep running than to put this into words, words make it real, really real. So it's time to get back to this and clear my head and my heart cause it is a jumble.
Bittersweet, that is this best word I can think of to describe my thoughts these last few weeks, "it's the most wonderful time of the year", causes me to take a deep breath when I think or hear it but it's the drumbeat in my head and the way it is stuck there, I got it Dad, I got the message and it was and is. Family, friends, laughing, food, fun, tears, shared memories, waiting for Santa, presents and you Dad, always sitting back and watching, I think it was your Christmas movie for you each year. I enjoyed that this year, too watching Nick open his gift that I thought so long and hard about, to find something a teenager would really like and it worked he opened that gift and said "this is sick" which means it is good and it was. Santa did come to visit this year wasn't sure if he would but there he was kinda looked a little like our Brian, well maybe a lot and it was good. I was taking care of my crew for Santa's Christmas Eve Bag and made sure to pick-up something for me and to my surprise I got two packages. That second package, oh that second package, that someone wrapped so carefully just for me and right on top when I opened it was you, lottery tickets and a puzzle book, he takes really good care of me and I need to remember that he misses you, too, you were his best friend and he hurts like I hurt and he has memories like I do. But getting back to the bittersweet, I looked it up to make sure it really described my thoughts and it does, pleasant or happy tinged with sadness or pain.
From the stories I have heard and the history I have lived my Mom and Dad, fifty five years ago today was a really good party and the start of a new chapter in their lives so Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad and as always Happy New Year and yes they were some really good times......
I got to finish 2010 sick in bed with a virus, down and out for two days and slowly getting back on my feet today, but laying in bed last night allowed me time to remember past New Years Eve's and my thoughts and memories are like the crumbs on the floor being swept into the dust pan, all jumbled together but all there.
I owe a number of family and friends updates or responses to a note or calls wanting to know how mom is doing and things are going for all of us, it's easier to keep running than to put this into words, words make it real, really real. So it's time to get back to this and clear my head and my heart cause it is a jumble.
Bittersweet, that is this best word I can think of to describe my thoughts these last few weeks, "it's the most wonderful time of the year", causes me to take a deep breath when I think or hear it but it's the drumbeat in my head and the way it is stuck there, I got it Dad, I got the message and it was and is. Family, friends, laughing, food, fun, tears, shared memories, waiting for Santa, presents and you Dad, always sitting back and watching, I think it was your Christmas movie for you each year. I enjoyed that this year, too watching Nick open his gift that I thought so long and hard about, to find something a teenager would really like and it worked he opened that gift and said "this is sick" which means it is good and it was. Santa did come to visit this year wasn't sure if he would but there he was kinda looked a little like our Brian, well maybe a lot and it was good. I was taking care of my crew for Santa's Christmas Eve Bag and made sure to pick-up something for me and to my surprise I got two packages. That second package, oh that second package, that someone wrapped so carefully just for me and right on top when I opened it was you, lottery tickets and a puzzle book, he takes really good care of me and I need to remember that he misses you, too, you were his best friend and he hurts like I hurt and he has memories like I do. But getting back to the bittersweet, I looked it up to make sure it really described my thoughts and it does, pleasant or happy tinged with sadness or pain.
From the stories I have heard and the history I have lived my Mom and Dad, fifty five years ago today was a really good party and the start of a new chapter in their lives so Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad and as always Happy New Year and yes they were some really good times......
Sunday, August 8, 2010
No Regrets.....
No regrets, that's what I woke up to this morning, echoing over and over in my head......Hey Meliss, no regrets.
It's been awhile and I thought maybe I was finished with writing but the thoughts keep coming and I can't suppress them, so I guess I need to keep writing them down. For some it might be hard to accept but my father keeps "talking" to me in my dreams and once I understand what he is trying to tell me it stops and I think to myself "that's it" but then it starts again with another topic. So, no matter which way you turn even in sleep you have thoughts, shaving my legs brings me to tears, why you ask, well I would try to keep Dad shaved (that's a whole other story) and without fail I end up in tears and laughing while I'm shaving my legs. Sure makes that chore interesting!
So back to the No Regrets thing, well for me I have this bad habit of should haves, and I can go back a long time with the should haves and could haves. Now I know all of us have somethings we regret and so did Dad, but he didn't live a life of regrets. If I chose a theme song for Dad it would have to be Zipadeedoda, just sing those words and that was the way Dad lived even when there was not plenty of sunshine heading his way you wouldn't know it.
No regrets, I guess that's another one of the lessons my father is trying ot teach me. Dad had no regrets over having the surgery, he was looking forward to the adventure and being better than ever. Maybe he had concerns in the back of his mind but you did not hear or see them. He fought, he fought long and he fought hard again with no regrets I'm sure. Now I have to get my theme over to Zipadeedoda, with a little of Ol' Blue-eyes "My Way"...........
It's been awhile and I thought maybe I was finished with writing but the thoughts keep coming and I can't suppress them, so I guess I need to keep writing them down. For some it might be hard to accept but my father keeps "talking" to me in my dreams and once I understand what he is trying to tell me it stops and I think to myself "that's it" but then it starts again with another topic. So, no matter which way you turn even in sleep you have thoughts, shaving my legs brings me to tears, why you ask, well I would try to keep Dad shaved (that's a whole other story) and without fail I end up in tears and laughing while I'm shaving my legs. Sure makes that chore interesting!
So back to the No Regrets thing, well for me I have this bad habit of should haves, and I can go back a long time with the should haves and could haves. Now I know all of us have somethings we regret and so did Dad, but he didn't live a life of regrets. If I chose a theme song for Dad it would have to be Zipadeedoda, just sing those words and that was the way Dad lived even when there was not plenty of sunshine heading his way you wouldn't know it.
No regrets, I guess that's another one of the lessons my father is trying ot teach me. Dad had no regrets over having the surgery, he was looking forward to the adventure and being better than ever. Maybe he had concerns in the back of his mind but you did not hear or see them. He fought, he fought long and he fought hard again with no regrets I'm sure. Now I have to get my theme over to Zipadeedoda, with a little of Ol' Blue-eyes "My Way"...........
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